COFFEE WITH BUBBA: “HOW TO CATCH A HORSE”
Morning conversations with my redneck friend Bubba give me a lot of things to think about. I like to share these stories and observations on occasion. Here is “How to catch a horse.”
Bubba comes to my “office” for coffee about three mornings a week. He usually shows up at 7:45. I had told him that 6 until 8:30 in the morning is my quiet time that I use for writing and ciphering and such as that, but he just keeps on coming. One day, I decided to write down some of the things he was telling me in order to make up for the interruption. Bubba doesn’t seem to mind if I am typing while he talks.
Yesterday, Bubba walked in with a grin on his face and went straight to the coffee pot. He poured himself a cup and sat down on the couch. He took a sip and looked at me with a smug sort of half smile. That was how I always knew a new “redneck story” was coming.
“Hey, John. You know Miss Peggy don’t you—down the other side of Leroy’s house?”
I told him that I had met her and she seemed to be nice.
“Waal,” he said, “you know them city folks that done bought that farm up on the other side of Miss Peggy’s? Their name is Marcino or something like that. They’re yankees. Come from Ohio. Bought that farm sometime last summer.”
I told him that I had heard about them but had never really talked with them.
“Waal”, he said, “I went over to Miss Peggy’s the other night to look at why her riding lawnmower won’t run and when I got it fixed, she asted me to set on the porch and have a glass of sweet tea. Man, this here is some really good coffee, John. Helen’s coffee ain’t near this good.”
“Anyway, we was settin there on the porch and we seen this here really pretty horse coming down the road and it had this baby colt following it. They had done got loose from the yankee’s farm. They was coming down the road with a sort of lost look. You know how a lost horse looks? Kinda like he don’t know where to go but he’s got to go somewheres?”
I nodded and stopped for a sip of coffee. I had seen a horse in that situation, running a bit, stopping to look around, moving timidly in unfamiliar territory. Actually, I’d been in that situation myself, now and then.
Bubba continued, “Waal, that horse done decided to go over to Mr. Johnson’s house acrost from Miss Peggy’s and he stopped to eat him some grass cause it was tall cause Mr. Johnson don’t never cut his grass. And then we seen them two Marcino teenage boys coming running up the road with a rope. They was after them horses.
“Next, them two boys started running up to the mama horse but when they got there the horse had moved to the other side of the yard and that baby followed. The boys run after them again and the horses moved jest out of reach. Every time they went after the momma horse, the horse moved. Every time the horse moved, the baby moved. We could see them boys warn’t never going to ketch them horses.”
Bubba got up, poured himself another cup of coffee, and sat back down.
“Waal, we could tell them boys warn’t never going to ketch that thar horse and then Miss Peggy hollered out, ‘Hey, you boys come on over here and set on the porch a while.’ And them boys told Miss Peggy they had to ketch the horses or their mother would skin them alive.
“Waal, Miss Peggy, she told them boys to get their butts over to the front porch and get them some sweet tea and she’d larn them how to ketch a horse so they come on over to the porch and she got them some ice tea. Them boys loved that tea ‘cause they was sweating and tarred from chasing that horse. That’s when Miss Peggy went to work.
“Miss Peggy walks kind of slow and she went to the shed and got her a metal bucket and then she went to the other side of the shed and put some shelled corn in the bucket—about half full, dontcha know.
“Then she told them boys to be quite and they said they would and Miss Peggy walked slow like she does all the way across the street and set down on a stump in Mr. Johnson’s yard. She just set there. The horses watched her out the side of their heads.
“Then Miss Peggy, she started this here low whistle and that horse raised its head and looked straight at her. Miss Peggy acted like she was eating that corn and going ‘mmmm mmmm’ kinda low and that momma horse kinda walked slowly over to her and sniffed the bucket. Then, next that there horse waited for Miss Peggy to move and she didn’t even blink an eye—jest sat there going ‘mmm mmm mmm’ kinda low. Then she petted the horse on its nose and scratched between its ears.
“Then, that there horse, she started eating that corn and next, the she stepped back and let the baby horse eat some. After a bit, Miss Peggy just kind of stood up and walked over to her house and that there horse follered her right up to the porch steps. The pretty baby colt came on right behind. She taken the halter and the rope from them Marcino boys and she put it on the horse.
“You shoulda seen the looks on them boys’ faces.
“Miss Peggy handed the least one of them boys the rope and then she pointed her finger and said, ‘I hope this will teach you to close the gate.’” Them boys said they would be more careful.
“Then Miss Peggy said, ‘Now, I want you boys to know that you ain’t never going to ketch a horse by chasin’ it. A horse is a curious creature and you got to make it want to come.
“’I know you boys cain’t think like a girl, but if you could, you would know that you kin catch anything you want anytime you want—All you got to do is hum a tune low and easy, and use the proper bait.’”
It was time for Bubba to open his shop so he rinsed out his cup and headed for the door.
“You be careful, now, John. See you around.”
More “Coffee with Bubba stories:
This is a work of fiction. Copyright 2010 by John P. Schulz
As usual, I would just love for you click here to go to Amazon and purchase the ebook edition of my wonderful book, Requiem for a Redneck to go on your Kindle. I have also noticed that Amazon now has a free Kindle app for iphones and tablets. Is that cool or what?
Try “see inside the book” Harce’s picture is on the cover
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johntheplantman--Gardening 
John, I love this story. Having been a girl at one time I understand it too.
Your ‘nunciation is good; the pictures beautiful.
Thanks John Paul. Sometimes it comes in a mite handy to think like a girl. I ‘spect that’s how yor little filly woman caught you. Little bate, nice humming sound. Come on, ‘fess up, boy. You know it’s true…
That was the entire point, Claudia. It never hurts to tell you that Ms. Peggy had a bit of notoriety.