December 19. 2021
Reflections, Day 69—Bubba’s Christmas Lettper, part one
It’s time for the 8th Annual publishing of
Bubba’s Christmas Letter—in two parts
For several years, the following was a reading at the Rome Area Writers’ Christmas party. Here it is:
Bubba’s Christmas Letter: A Soon to be Traditional Southern Christmas Story
Have you ever noticed that when your friends and relatives have a very good year, they send you a long letter telling you all about it? My friend Bubba had a good year. He will be the guest author for this post. You will enjoy a Redneck Christmas— Heeere’s Bubba!!!
Hey, this is Bubba writing.
See, Bev, she’s my wife as you probably know if you know me, and if you don’t know me, you probly wont be getting this letter anyway. We decided we needed to write this letter. She is helping me telling me stuff to say, but I am working the commuter because I can type better than her.
So many of my friends, maybe you and maybe not, have written me letters at christmas to tell me how good they did in the last year and I always wanted to write one but nobody can read my handwriting and then Bev, you know, she runs a cleaning service out of her ford van and you might not know she cleans this lawyer’s office and he likes her cause she has such a nice butt and she always wears tight jeans unless it is summer and then she wears tight cutoffs. Anyway, she was there one day this past summer and he was changing to a bigger computer and he cleaned this one out and give it to her. Well, she brought it home and we had to get the ten year old kid in the trailer next door to show us how to use it and I decided that I would write a Christmas letter like everybody else cause we done had a real good year.
The only problem is the idiot that built this typing board didn’t go to the same school I did. I learnedabcdefg and so forth. He learned qwertyuiopand so forth. Well, I started this letter in september and I am just now finishing it because none of the letters are in the right order and I have to look real hard for them. I hope after this that a cop don’t pull me over and tell me to say the alphabet. I will be a gonner. I would probly look him in the face and say “no problem mr. Officer, qwertyuiop and so forth” I got a callus on my trigger finger. My kids, homer and clete keep laughing at me and started showing me stuff and almost spilled my beer and I had to chase them off. Bev keeps wanting something called the internet, but it costs as much as the cable tv and you cant get any nascar on them.
So here is the letter it has been a good year:
Well it has been a wonderful year. Jodie he’s my friend at the carpet mill wanted me to go spotliting with him and I had to work late at the carpet mill and didn’t go and doggone if the game wardens didn’t have a artificial deer in the edge of the woods and jodie saw it and he told me that it had steam coming out from its mouth and antlers and the head moved and he hit it with his spotlight and jumped out of the truck and shot its head off and the game wardens arrested him and put him in jail and took his gun away and all kind of stuff. While he was doing this, I made 5 hours of overtime. Just goes to show it pays to be a working man. What a good year I have had.
Talk about luck. You remember old rufus, the rotweiler? Some sumbitch shot him and he come home and bev took him to the vet and it costed 50 dollars and rufus died anyway. While we were being sad—bev and the kids about the dog, me about the fifty bucks, some nice people from town came speeding by and dropped out these two puppies. We named them rocky and young rufus. The kids don’t seem to care that young rufus is a girl this time. Man, these dogs are smart now I know how stupid rufus really was. What a good year.
The rest of the letter will follow tomorrow. Feel free to print or share.—john schulz
Today’s picture of Santa hung in my mother’s hall for a long time. She said it was painted by Isaac Schulz, but he said he didn’t do it so I have no idear.