Merry Christmas From Bubba

Merry Christmas, everyone!!  Before my voice problems I was frequently asked to read the following letter to festive groups. These days, even though a voice has been restored, I am more comfortable offering it to you on the internet. You know that if it’s on the internet it has to be true.  Print it out and read it to your gathering with my blessings.  Here’s Bubba’s Christmas Letter: 

It has been a very good year.  I done caught a bunch of fish.

Hey, this is Bubba writing.

See, Bev, she’s my wife as you probably know if you know me, and if you don’t know me, you probly wont be getting this letter anyway. We decided we needed to write this letter.  She is helping me telling me stuff to say, but I am working the commuter because I can type better than her.

So many of my friends, maybe you and maybe not, have written me letters at christmas to tell me how good they did in the last year and I always wanted to write one but nobody can reaad my handwriting and then Bev, you know, she runs a cleaning service out of her ford van and you might not know she cleans this lawyer’s office and he likes her cause she has such a nice butt and she always wears tight jeans unless it is summer and then she wears tight cutoffs.  Anyway, she was there one day this past summer and he was changing to a bigger computer and he cleaned this one out and give it to her.  Well, she brought it home and we had to get the ten year old kid in the trailer next door to show us how to use it and I decided that I would write a Christmas letter like everybody else cause we done had a real good does year.

It has been a very good year. I done caught a bunch of fish.

The only problem is the idiot that built this typing board didn’t go to the same school I did.  I learned abcdefg and so forth.  He learned qwertyuiop and so forth.  Well, I started this letter in september and I am just now finishing it because none of the letters are in the right order and I have to look real hard for them. I hope after this that a cop don’t pull me over and tell me to say the alphabet.  I will be a gonner.  I would probly look him in the face and say “no problem mr. Officer, qwertyuiop and so forth”  I got a callus on my trigger finger. My kids, homer and clete keep laughing at me and started showing me stuff and almost spilled my beer and I had to chase them off.  Bev keeps wanting something called the internet, but it costs as much as the cable tv and you cant get any nascar on them.

 So here is the letter it has been a good year:

Dere Freinds

Well it has been a wonderful year.  Jodie he’s my friend at the carpet mill wanted me to go spotliting with him and I had to work late at the carpet mill and didn’t go and doggone if the game wardens didn’t have a artificial deer in the edge of the woods and jodie saw it and he told me that it had steam coming out from its mouth and antlers and the head moved and he hit it with his spotlight and jumped out of the truck and shot its head off and the game wardens arrested him and put him in jail and took his gun away and all kind of stuff.  While he was doing this, I made 5 hours of overtime.  Just goes to show it pays to be a working man. What a good year I have had.

Talk about luck.  You remember old rufus, the rotweiler?  Some sob shot him and he come home and bev took him to the vet and it costed 50 dollars and rufus died anyway.  While we were being sad—bev and the kids about the dog, me about the fifty bucks, some nice people from town came speeding by and dropped out these two puppies.  We named them rocky and young rufus.  The kids don’t seem to care that young rufus is a girl this time.  Man, these dogs are smart now I know how stupid rufus really was. What a good year.

Bev wanted the ford van painted and I taught the kids, clete and homer how to paint a van and they didn’t hardly leave any brush strokes at all.  What good kids.  They like school, too, and clete liked the third grade so much that he decided to take it again and homer wanted to go to the sixth grade so bad that he went to summer school.  I sure am proud of them.  Clete only got in trouble once last year when it was a rainy day and they were showing Bambi in school to all the kids and when the big stag came on the screen he yelled “bam” and all the little girls started crying.  I guess they thought he was shooting at one of the does but it wasn’t a doe day. And he learned enough from hearing about jodie to shoot one without antlers on the wrong day. Clete is pretty smart about not getting in trouble.

The peppers in the garden did real good and we used them to get the sausage just right.  I learned this thing from this friend of bevs that works in the beauty shop about tying one end of the casing material to a pick up truck bumper and the other end to the barn and blowing them out with a compressor before you do the rest of making the deer sausage. This is better than hand slung chitlins. I thought you would like the part about the pick up and the compressor I am sure you know exactly how to do the rest.  See, I learned something.  What a good year.

This is me and all of my toys.  It has been a very good year.
This is me and all of my toys. It has been a very good year.

And now I  got to tell you about last Christmas because you won’t believe our good fortune. Clete and Homer wanted to get a expensive Christmas present.  They wanted this thing you hook up to the tv and then you got this here rifle and then when the deers run across the front of the tv, you can shoot them. We told them that it was too expensive and they would have to get it together if they got it, and the new motor on the go cart would be totally out of the question.

I love those boys. It was expensive.  We all had to make sacrifices.  We had to practice self discipline.  Bev started getting her make up at the dollar store instead of ekerds and I started drinking Keystone instead of budweiser.  We missed the rassling matches three times, and we stopped dancing at the amvets club which I can go to cause Merle, he was in the national guard and he spoke for me.  Anyway, we made the money up and went to the magic market and bought a money order and sent it off and this box came to the house on a ups truck and bev, she put it up in the closet where homer and clete wouldn’t find it and left it there till Christmas.

Anyway, Christmas morning came and bev gave me a vibrating alarm clock that wouldn’t make any noise and fit in my shirt pocket and would wake me up in case I fell asleep in my deer stand. I love it.  I think I done missed a bunch of deers by falling asleep in my deer stand. I gave bev a really nice venison hind quarter and a tackle box with a make up mirror in the top inside.  She loved it.  Then it came time for the boys to open up their present.  We all got real excited watching them open up the box.  I don’t know why because we all knew what was in it, but the company we bought it from had made a mistake.  I’ll never forget the looks on clete and homers faces when they looked in the box and found it.  It was the thing to hook up to the tv but the rifle warn’t there.  We hooked it up to the tv and these here deers kept running across the screen but there warn’t no way to shoot them.  Them boys near went crazy.  Clete run in the other room and got his bb gun and was going to shoot the deers with that but I stopped him just in time.

What a good year.  I went to the magic market and bought a calling card and called the people that made the mistake and they said they were sorry and that I could quit calling them names and that they would send me a completely new one and I would have two things to hook up to the tv and the rifle too.  It aint got here yet, but I am sure it will.

What a good year.  I couldn’t think of what to do with  the tv deer hook up thing cause we were going to get another one and we only got one tv so it took it to the projects where Jo Sam this guy that works with me lives and his cable got cut off and he can’t watch nothing on tv. loved it and wanted it for his niece so she could watch the deers run across the tv screen and talk about how perty they were, and he traded me not one, but two genuine ROLODEX watches for it.  Man, I bet there ain’t two other brothers in the whole trailer park that got genuine rolodex watches for Christmas and a tv deer hunting kit on the way.

What a good year.  Here it is almost the end of the year and bev came up to me and kissed me and told me that this was the sixth year in a row that they ain’t reposessed our car or kicked us out of the trailer park.  God has really blessed us.

I will write you next year if next year is anywhere near as good as this one was.  If you don’t hear from me, send donations

With all our love

Bubba, bev, clete and homer

Ps  I cant get mail no more because they condemned my mailbox cause I kept watching this low place open up by the ditch and kept telling myself that I needed to do something about it and finally the mail lady slid off in the ditch and she got mad.  So, I use my next door neighbor’s mailbox.  His name is john schulz and you probly know about him cause he wrote this here book Requiem for a Redneck and it is pretty good. Me and Bev, we keep that book on a shelf in the bathroom and we read some of it every day if you know what I mean.  It is about all my friends, Louann, Kickstand, and Ponytail.  Then there is Bud.  Bud is the mayor of Berwin, Georgia and he is right funny.  I hate it that Harce died, but this here book tells you all about it.

I don’t know nothing about that internet thing, but John said you could see about that there book if you click right here”  He says it’s a ebook whatever that means.

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Bubba the Squirrel Trainer

Bubba The Squirrel Trainer

 Morning coffee conversations with my redneck friend Bubba give me a lot of things to think about.  I like to share these stories and observations on occasion.

Bubba comes to my “office” for coffee about three mornings a week. He usually shows up at 7:45.  I had told him that 7 until 8:30 in the morning is my quiet time that I use for writing and ciphering and such as that, but he just keeps on coming.  One day, I decided to write down some of the things he was telling me in order to make up for the interruption.  Bubba doesn’t seem to mind if I am typing while he talks.

Bubba likes them squirrels

Bubba likes them squirrels

Today, Bubba was all excited about training squirrels. He said he was going to make a bunch of money.

I said, “Bubba, you can’t train a squirrel.”

Bubba bowed up and said, “Yeah, hell you kin.  I done seen it.”

Then he told me about it.
Bubba said, “I got on my Harley and went looking for ol’ Randy who used to be a old fishing buddy of mine.  That sumbitch didn’t ever want to do anything but fish all his life.  He was a self employed heating and air man and he made pretty good at it, too. I been looking for him for a while since he disappeared, but this time I had a lead on him and I found him.

”I pulled up to this pretty nice house-maybe about 1400 square feet that was nestled up to lake Weiss.  I walked around the side and there was old Randy sitting on the dock fishing.  I asked him where the hell he’d been and he told me that he was retarred.  He said he figured out a long time ago that if he kept his needs simple, he could retire when he was 54 and not do nothing but fish.

“So he spent a couple of years building his house – said he only had $30,000 in it – he did all the work himself – and that was one really nice house – and he sold his business and most of his assets and retarred to the lake to fish.
He fishes every day, rain or shine, cold or hot.

”After we talked a few minutes, we went to sit on the porch and Randy made some coffee.  We sipped and talked about old times for a while, and then I seen the squirrel.

”I told Randy that was the fattest squirrel I ever seen and he said: ’You ain’t seen a fat squirrel yet’ and he knocked on the porch rail like you would knock on a door.  All of a sudden the tree in front of us was filled with fat squirrels like you ain’t never seen.

”Randy knocked on the railing again and stretched out his arm, palm up like this (Bubba showed me).  He reached into a can and set a peanut on the inside of his elbow right here.  Then he tapped his forearm lightly and said, ‘c’mon Homer.’

”This time, what had to be the fattest squirrel in the world jumped out of the tree onto the porch rail.  Randy tapped his forearm gently again. ‘C’mon Homer’.  The squirrel hesitated for a moment and then ran up Randy’s arm, sat on his forearm, grabbed the peanut and sat up to eat it.  When he finished, he looked up at Randy as if to say ‘thank you’ and turned and
slowly walked away.

”I said damn, Randy, how many of them squirrels do you have?  He said, ‘fourteen and. Homer’s the oldest.  He’s my buddy’.

”I had noticed that the top of Homer’s head was all scratched up and bloody.
I asked Randy about it.

Randy said, ‘Well, ole Homer is constantly sticking his head into them squirrel nests trying to get familiar with some female and nine times out of ten she don’t want him to and she scratches him up pretty bad’.

”I said, Randy, why don’t you take Homer to the vet and get him fixed so
that he won’t get scratched to death?

”Randy done got all farred up.  He said, ‘You talking about Homer? Homer’s been my buddy for eight years.  I just couldn’t bring myself to do that to Homer.  I don’t even want to think about it. There’s always that one time out of ten.  Homer must think that’s pretty good odds.’

Then he started talking about fishing again.”

Them squirrels love them peanuts

Them squirrels love them peanuts

Bubba took a sip of coffee and looked at me as if to say, “I told you so.”He went over to the sink and rinsed out his cup.

I’ve got to go get busy at my new job”

I looked at Bubba kind of funny, “You got a new job”?

Bubba said, “Yeah, I’m going to be a professional squirrel trainer.  I got to go set on the porch and get started.  Time’s awastin’”.

If you want to read about Johntheplantman’s award winning novel, Requiem for a Redneck, You may find it on Kindle at

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00FOAJCGO

Or to read the printed book and the reviews on Amazon,

http://www.amazon.com/Requiem-Redneck-John-P-Schulz/dp/0981825206/

Would you like more Bubba stories?  Let me know.

Thanks, johntheplantman

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