Merry Christmas From Bubba

Merry Christmas, everyone!!  Before my voice problems I was frequently asked to read the following letter to festive groups. These days, even though a voice has been restored, I am more comfortable offering it to you on the internet. You know that if it’s on the internet it has to be true.  Print it out and read it to your gathering with my blessings.  Here’s Bubba’s Christmas Letter: 

It has been a very good year.  I done caught a bunch of fish.

Hey, this is Bubba writing.

See, Bev, she’s my wife as you probably know if you know me, and if you don’t know me, you probly wont be getting this letter anyway. We decided we needed to write this letter.  She is helping me telling me stuff to say, but I am working the commuter because I can type better than her.

So many of my friends, maybe you and maybe not, have written me letters at christmas to tell me how good they did in the last year and I always wanted to write one but nobody can reaad my handwriting and then Bev, you know, she runs a cleaning service out of her ford van and you might not know she cleans this lawyer’s office and he likes her cause she has such a nice butt and she always wears tight jeans unless it is summer and then she wears tight cutoffs.  Anyway, she was there one day this past summer and he was changing to a bigger computer and he cleaned this one out and give it to her.  Well, she brought it home and we had to get the ten year old kid in the trailer next door to show us how to use it and I decided that I would write a Christmas letter like everybody else cause we done had a real good does year.

It has been a very good year. I done caught a bunch of fish.

The only problem is the idiot that built this typing board didn’t go to the same school I did.  I learned abcdefg and so forth.  He learned qwertyuiop and so forth.  Well, I started this letter in september and I am just now finishing it because none of the letters are in the right order and I have to look real hard for them. I hope after this that a cop don’t pull me over and tell me to say the alphabet.  I will be a gonner.  I would probly look him in the face and say “no problem mr. Officer, qwertyuiop and so forth”  I got a callus on my trigger finger. My kids, homer and clete keep laughing at me and started showing me stuff and almost spilled my beer and I had to chase them off.  Bev keeps wanting something called the internet, but it costs as much as the cable tv and you cant get any nascar on them.

 So here is the letter it has been a good year:

Dere Freinds

Well it has been a wonderful year.  Jodie he’s my friend at the carpet mill wanted me to go spotliting with him and I had to work late at the carpet mill and didn’t go and doggone if the game wardens didn’t have a artificial deer in the edge of the woods and jodie saw it and he told me that it had steam coming out from its mouth and antlers and the head moved and he hit it with his spotlight and jumped out of the truck and shot its head off and the game wardens arrested him and put him in jail and took his gun away and all kind of stuff.  While he was doing this, I made 5 hours of overtime.  Just goes to show it pays to be a working man. What a good year I have had.

Talk about luck.  You remember old rufus, the rotweiler?  Some sob shot him and he come home and bev took him to the vet and it costed 50 dollars and rufus died anyway.  While we were being sad—bev and the kids about the dog, me about the fifty bucks, some nice people from town came speeding by and dropped out these two puppies.  We named them rocky and young rufus.  The kids don’t seem to care that young rufus is a girl this time.  Man, these dogs are smart now I know how stupid rufus really was. What a good year.

Bev wanted the ford van painted and I taught the kids, clete and homer how to paint a van and they didn’t hardly leave any brush strokes at all.  What good kids.  They like school, too, and clete liked the third grade so much that he decided to take it again and homer wanted to go to the sixth grade so bad that he went to summer school.  I sure am proud of them.  Clete only got in trouble once last year when it was a rainy day and they were showing Bambi in school to all the kids and when the big stag came on the screen he yelled “bam” and all the little girls started crying.  I guess they thought he was shooting at one of the does but it wasn’t a doe day. And he learned enough from hearing about jodie to shoot one without antlers on the wrong day. Clete is pretty smart about not getting in trouble.

The peppers in the garden did real good and we used them to get the sausage just right.  I learned this thing from this friend of bevs that works in the beauty shop about tying one end of the casing material to a pick up truck bumper and the other end to the barn and blowing them out with a compressor before you do the rest of making the deer sausage. This is better than hand slung chitlins. I thought you would like the part about the pick up and the compressor I am sure you know exactly how to do the rest.  See, I learned something.  What a good year.

This is me and all of my toys.  It has been a very good year.
This is me and all of my toys. It has been a very good year.

And now I  got to tell you about last Christmas because you won’t believe our good fortune. Clete and Homer wanted to get a expensive Christmas present.  They wanted this thing you hook up to the tv and then you got this here rifle and then when the deers run across the front of the tv, you can shoot them. We told them that it was too expensive and they would have to get it together if they got it, and the new motor on the go cart would be totally out of the question.

I love those boys. It was expensive.  We all had to make sacrifices.  We had to practice self discipline.  Bev started getting her make up at the dollar store instead of ekerds and I started drinking Keystone instead of budweiser.  We missed the rassling matches three times, and we stopped dancing at the amvets club which I can go to cause Merle, he was in the national guard and he spoke for me.  Anyway, we made the money up and went to the magic market and bought a money order and sent it off and this box came to the house on a ups truck and bev, she put it up in the closet where homer and clete wouldn’t find it and left it there till Christmas.

Anyway, Christmas morning came and bev gave me a vibrating alarm clock that wouldn’t make any noise and fit in my shirt pocket and would wake me up in case I fell asleep in my deer stand. I love it.  I think I done missed a bunch of deers by falling asleep in my deer stand. I gave bev a really nice venison hind quarter and a tackle box with a make up mirror in the top inside.  She loved it.  Then it came time for the boys to open up their present.  We all got real excited watching them open up the box.  I don’t know why because we all knew what was in it, but the company we bought it from had made a mistake.  I’ll never forget the looks on clete and homers faces when they looked in the box and found it.  It was the thing to hook up to the tv but the rifle warn’t there.  We hooked it up to the tv and these here deers kept running across the screen but there warn’t no way to shoot them.  Them boys near went crazy.  Clete run in the other room and got his bb gun and was going to shoot the deers with that but I stopped him just in time.

What a good year.  I went to the magic market and bought a calling card and called the people that made the mistake and they said they were sorry and that I could quit calling them names and that they would send me a completely new one and I would have two things to hook up to the tv and the rifle too.  It aint got here yet, but I am sure it will.

What a good year.  I couldn’t think of what to do with  the tv deer hook up thing cause we were going to get another one and we only got one tv so it took it to the projects where Jo Sam this guy that works with me lives and his cable got cut off and he can’t watch nothing on tv. loved it and wanted it for his niece so she could watch the deers run across the tv screen and talk about how perty they were, and he traded me not one, but two genuine ROLODEX watches for it.  Man, I bet there ain’t two other brothers in the whole trailer park that got genuine rolodex watches for Christmas and a tv deer hunting kit on the way.

What a good year.  Here it is almost the end of the year and bev came up to me and kissed me and told me that this was the sixth year in a row that they ain’t reposessed our car or kicked us out of the trailer park.  God has really blessed us.

I will write you next year if next year is anywhere near as good as this one was.  If you don’t hear from me, send donations

With all our love

Bubba, bev, clete and homer

Ps  I cant get mail no more because they condemned my mailbox cause I kept watching this low place open up by the ditch and kept telling myself that I needed to do something about it and finally the mail lady slid off in the ditch and she got mad.  So, I use my next door neighbor’s mailbox.  His name is john schulz and you probly know about him cause he wrote this here book Requiem for a Redneck and it is pretty good. Me and Bev, we keep that book on a shelf in the bathroom and we read some of it every day if you know what I mean.  It is about all my friends, Louann, Kickstand, and Ponytail.  Then there is Bud.  Bud is the mayor of Berwin, Georgia and he is right funny.  I hate it that Harce died, but this here book tells you all about it.

I don’t know nothing about that internet thing, but John said you could see about that there book if you click right here”  He says it’s a ebook whatever that means.

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Bubba’s Christmas Letter: A Soon to be Traditional Southern Christmas Story

 

December 14, 2018. This post was originally written several years ago and My good friend Bud Sims helped me with it. He was tickled to see his picture on “That there interweb.” Dekie read the letter to the story guild on Tuesday night this year and they loved it so she read it again for the Rome Area Writers and they loved it too.

Bud died earlier this year and I think of him every time I read the letter. Enjoy–or better yet, read it out loud to your Christmas gathering. You’ll be glad you did.

–John Schulz

Here’s the letter:

Have you ever noticed that when your friends and relatives have a very good year, they send you a long letter telling you all about it? My friend Bubba had a good year.  He will be the guest author for this post. You will enjoy a Redneck Christmas— Heeere’s Bubba!!!

Hey, this is Bubba writing.

See, Bev, she’s my wife as you probably know if you know me, and if you don’t know me, you probly wont be getting this letter anyway. We decided we needed to write this letter.  She is helping me telling me stuff to say, but I am working the commuter because I can type better than her.

I done had a good year. I done caught lots of fish

So many of my friends, maybe you and maybe not, have written me letters at christmas to tell me how good they did in the last year and I always wanted to write one but nobody can reaad my handwriting and then Bev, you know, she runs a cleaning service out of her ford van and you might not know she cleans this lawyer’s office and he likes her cause she has such a nice butt and she always wears tight jeans unless it is summer and then she wears tight cutoffs.  Anyway, she was there one day this past summer and he was changing to a bigger computer and he cleaned this one out and give it to her.  Well, she brought it home and we had to get the ten year old kid in the trailer next door to show us how to use it and I decided that I would write a Christmas letter like everybody else cause we done had a real good does year.

The only problem is the idiot that built this typing board didn’t go to the same school I did.  I learned abcdefg and so forth.  He learned qwertyuiop and so forth.  Well, I started this letter in september and I am just now finishing it because none of the letters are in the right order and I have to look real hard for them. I hope after this that a cop don’t pull me over and tell me to say the alphabet.  I will be a gonner.  I would probly look him in the face and say “no problem mr. Officer, qwertyuiop and so forth” I got a callus on my trigger finger. My kids, homer and clete keep laughing at me and started showing me stuff and almost spilled my beer and I had to chase them off.  Bev keeps wanting something called the internet, but it costs as much as the cable tv and you cant get any nascar on them.

 So here is the letter it has been a good year:

Dere Freinds

Well it has been a wonderful year.  Jodie he’s my friend at the carpet mill wanted me to go spotliting with him and I had to work late at the carpet mill and didn’t go and doggone if the game wardens didn’t have a artificial deer in the edge of the woods and jodie saw it and he told me that it had steam coming out from its mouth and antlers and the head moved and he hit it with his spotlight and jumped out of the truck and shot its head off and the game wardens arrested him and put him in jail and took his gun away and all kind of stuff.  While he was doing this, I made 5 hours of overtime.  Just goes to show it pays to be a working man. What a good year I have had.

Talk about luck.  You remember old rufus, the rotweiler?  Some sumbitch shot him and he come home and bev took him to the vet and it costed 50 dollars and rufus died anyway.  While we were being sad—bev and the kids about the dog, me about the fifty bucks, some nice people from town came speeding by and dropped out these two puppies.  We named them rocky and young rufus.  The kids don’t seem to care that young rufus is a girl this time.  Man, these dogs are smart now I know how stupid rufus really was. What a good year.

Bev wanted the ford van painted and I taught the kids, clete and homer how to paint a van and they didn’t hardly leave any brush strokes at all.  What good kids.  They like school, too, and clete liked the third grade so much that he decided to take it again and homer wanted to go to the sixth grade so bad that he went to summer school.  I sure am proud of them.  Clete only got in trouble once last year when it was a rainy day and they were showing Bambi in school to all the kids and when the big stag came on the screen he yelled “bam” and all the little girls started crying.  I guess they thought he was shooting at one of the does but it wasn’t a doe day. And he learned enough from hearing about jodie to shoot one without antlers on the wrong day. Clete is pretty smart about not getting in trouble.

The peppers in the garden did real good and we used them to get the sausage just right.  I learned this thing from this friend of bevs that works in the beauty shop about tying one end of the casing material to a pick up truck bumper and the other end to the barn and blowing them out with a compressor before you do the rest of making the deer sausage. This is better than hand slung chitlins. I thought you would like the part about the pick up and the compressor I am sure you know exactly how to do the rest.  See, I learned something.  What a good year.

This is me and all of my toys. It has been a very good year.

And now I  got to tell you about last Christmas because you won’t believe our good fortune. Clete and Homer wanted to get a expensive Christmas present.  They wanted this thing you hook up to the tv and then you got this here rifle and then when the deers run across the front of the tv, you can shoot them. We told them that it was too expensive and they would have to get it together if they got it, and the new motor on the go cart would be totally out of the question.

I love those boys. It was expensive.  We all had to make sacrifices.  We had to practice self discipline.  Bev started getting her make up at the dollar store instead of ekerds and I started drinking Keystone instead of budweiser.  We missed the rassling matches three times, and we stopped dancing at the amvets club which I can go to cause Merle, he was in the national guard and he spoke for me.  Anyway, we made the money up and went to the magic market and bought a money order and sent it off and this box came to the house on a ups truck and bev, she put it up in the closet where homer and clete wouldn’t find it and left it there till Christmas.

Anyway, Christmas morning came and bev gave me a vibrating alarm clock that wouldn’t make any noise and fit in my shirt pocket and would wake me up in case I fell asleep in my deer stand. I love it.  I think I done missed a bunch of deers by falling asleep in my deer stand. I gave bev a really nice venison hind quarter and a tackle box with a make up mirror in the top inside.  She loved it.  Then it came time for the boys to open up their present.  We all got real excited watching them open up the box.  I don’t know why because we all knew what was in it, but the company we bought it from had made a mistake.  I’ll never forget the looks on clete and homers faces when they looked in the box and found it.  It was the thing to hook up to the tv but the rifle warn’t there.  We hooked it up to the tv and these here deers kept running across the screen but there warn’t no way to shoot them.  Them boys near went crazy.  Clete run in the other room and got his bb gun and was going to shoot the deers with that but I stopped him just in time.

What a good year.  I went to the magic market and bought a calling card and called the people that made the mistake and they said they were sorry and that I could quit calling them names and that they would send me a completely new one and I would have two things to hook up to the tv and the rifle too.  It aint got here yet, but I am sure it will.

What a good year.  I couldn’t think of what to do with  the tv deer hook up thing cause we were going to get another one and we only got one tv so it took it to the projects where Jo Sam this guy that works with me lives and his cable got cut off and he can’t watch nothing on tv. loved it and wanted it for his niece so she could watch the deers run across the tv screen and talk about how perty they were, and he traded me not one, but two genuine ROLODEX watches for it.  Man, I bet there ain’t two other brothers in the whole trailer park that got genuine rolodex watches for Christmas and a tv deer hunting kit on the way.

What a good year.  Here it is almost the end of the year and bev came up to me and kissed me and told me that this was the sixth year in a row that they ain’t reposessed our car or kicked us out of the trailer park.  God has really blessed us.

I will write you next year if next year is anywhere near as good as this one was.  If you don’t hear from me, send donations

With all our love

Bubba, bev, clete and homer

+++++++++++++++++

Thanks for visiting Johntheplantman. 

As usual, I would just love for you click here to go to Amazon and purchase the ebook edition of my wonderful book, Requiem for a Redneck to go on your Kindle. I have also noticed that Amazon now has a free Kindle app for iphones and tablets. Is that cool or what?

Jack Runninger on Christmas Letters

Jack Runninger’s Christmas Letter.

 You may have noticed that I like to poke fun at Christmas letters.  Here’s an article on Christmas letters from Jack.  I think that we could classify parts of this as a Redneck Christmas Letter. 

 My friend Jack Runninger has written a book (along with Dan Winn, who I don’t know) called “Fixing Stupid”.  I  keep the book in my bathroom so that I can begin my day with a “Runninger chuckle”. Here is an excerpt from the book titled “Christmas Newsletters” that Jack wrote sometime during his attempt at becoming one of the oldest guys I know who can still walk.

CHRISTMAS NEWSLETTERS

By Jack Runninger

 Many of these newsletters are fine.  Particularly from close friends who are letting me know what has happened in their lives the past year

 The ones that irk me come from folks I really don’t know that well, and the ones that do nothing but boast about the accomplishments of their offspring, and go into detail about their health problems.

 The wife of a deceased distant relative, who I’ve never met, sends me a Christmas two page single spaced bragging newsletter every year.  As best I can tell, none of her children or grandchildren have as yet received a Nobel Prize.  However, this seems to be about the only honor they haven’t achieved.

 In addition to the description of all the remarkable things they have accomplished over the past year, she further brightens my holiday season with a detailed history of her surgeries and health problems during the previous year.

 In the spirit of Scrooge, I have often been tempted to send her the following newsletter, but have never had the guts to do so:

 “We’ve had a real good year since last Xmas.  We’re right proud of our granddaughter, Lavonia.  She was elected president of the sophomore class!  It’s the first time in the history of the school that anyone has been elected president of the sophomore class three years in a row.

 “Our eldes son, Ezra, received a reward for good behavior.  It got him out of prison two years early.  And we’re right proud of our baby granddaughter, Tessie Lou.  She was selected as the poster child for the Zero Population Growth movement.

 “Also, you may remember our youngest son, Clem, who was an unwanted child. He’s really come up in the world.  Now he’s wanted in 12 states!!  Our youngest daughter Rachel Lou has graduated from high school in just three terms—Clinton’s, Bush’s, and Obama’s.”

 I may also describe my hemorrhoid surgery in detail (no pun intended).  That ought to brighten her holiday season as much as she brightens mine.

 

Jack Runninger's book "Fixing Stupid" available on Amazon

Jack Runninger’s book “Fixing Stupid” available on Amazon

 

 

++++++++++

If you live in or around the northwest Georgia area and would like to have a consultation with johntheplantman, you may contact John Schulz by email at

wherdepony@bellsouth.net .  Do not send pictures or attachments as they will be deleted.

 

As usual, I would just love for you click here to go to Amazon and purchase the ebook edition of my wonderful book, Requiem for a Redneck to go on your Kindle. I have also noticed that Amazon now has a free Kindle app for iphones and tablets. Is that cool or what?

Bubba’s 2010 Christmas letter

Bubba’s 2010 Christmas Letter.

My friend Bubba wrote another Christmas letter and he asked me to include it in the johntheplantman blog so everybody could see it.  Heeeeere’s Bubba:

 Hey, this here’s Bubba writing.

Well here it is and it’s been another year done gone by and it’s Christmas again.  It’s been a really good year but it’s been hard on a lot of people who done lost their job. Now Bev—she’s my wife, but you probly know that—Bev cleans up offices at night for some lawyers and she’s been ok with her job.  She told me that most of her customers were “bankrupt” lawyers and they was doing fine so she don’t have to worry about no job.

 But for me, I got laid off at the carpet mill last January.  They gave me two weeks pay and told me I was the best hyster driver they ever had but their wasn’t nothing there to hyst no more.  (In case you don’t know, some people call a hyster a fork lift.).

I weren’t too worried until I found out that none of the other factories had anything to hyst neither.  My friends told me to sign up for unemployment, but I ain’t never took something for nothing, so I didn’t go.  I decided to go out to the shop and organize my tools and be a mechanic.

 And that’s when I figgered out that when I used to be a pretty good mechanic was when I was really good at adjusting carburetors.  The first car that came in woke me up to that.  I looked under the hood and realized that there ain’t no more carburetors. Well, I knew where one mechanikin’ job that I could do and so I went out and got my John Deere tractor out from the shed and got it running.  It’s a good one, too.  It’s got a front end loader on it and all kind of stuff and power steering.  It warn’t long till I had it running like a top.  That was when I decided that a tractor warn’t much different from a hyster and so I got to be a tractor driver.

 I did a little tractor work in people’s yards, but I warn’t making much money and then this guy that raises chickens ast me if I could clean out his chicken houses when they were empty.  I done traded around and swapped my old pick up truck for a 1978 dump truck and I taken the John Deere over to the chicken houses and scraped out one of them chicken houses.  It was full of chicken do do and wood shavings.  I loaded the truck and ast the man where to dump it.  He kind of looked at me funny and said, “Well, Bubba, that there’s your problem.”

 I didn’t worry none, though, ‘cause I got 4 acres behind the double wide and so I taken the stuff and dumped it out back.  Bev and the neighbors complained a bit about the smell but it went away pretty fast.  And, my business grew and I had all these people paying me to clean out chicken houses and haul off all that stuff. 

 Well, the next thing I knew was that this here cotton gin business over in Alabama wanted me to clean up the cotton seed waste that was piled up all over about 3 acres.  So I done started hauling that and then I had a problem.  I went to see my friend John the Plant Man and told him about the problem.  I said, “John, I ain’t got enough land to put all this stuff.”  He thought about it and said, “mix it together and pile it up.”

So, I did and the smell went away and it got hot and John told me to turn it over and I did and it cooled off and then John said, “This here stuff now has a new name.  It is called ‘compost”.  And so now I am in the compost business. People pay me to haul it off and John got me some customers and now other people pay me to deliver it to them.  And it’s good stuff, too.  We even had to add in wood chips from the tree man to make it not be so powerful.

 Here is a picture of my garden.  I built it up with cross ties and filled it in with compost and planted lots of stuff last spring. 

 

Here's part of my garden growing in that there compost.

Here’s part of my garden growing in that there compost.

 

 

 And here’s a picture of all the stuff that Bev has put up in mason jars.  Since we ain’t got much money this year, we are going to wrap up jars of food and give presents to everybody we know. Some of our friends still ain’t got jobs.

 

Here's some of what Bev put up in Mason jars

Here’s some of what Bev put up in Mason jars

 

 

 And, I got my house all decorated for Christmas, too.  The kids love it.

 It has been a very good year. The only thing is we lost our health insurance that I had with the carpet mill.  The kids are ok because the state has a program for them, but I don’t know what me and Bev are gonna do if we get sick.  I’m gonna figure that out next year.

 Anyhow, I’m thankful that I learnt all about chicken manure.

Here’s a picture my friend John gave me of a flower bed he is making with my compost. John said if you want me to bring you some of this compost email him here

 

This here's my beautiful compost

This here’s my beautiful compost

 

 

 Merry Christmas

Bubba

You may wish to read Bubba’s Christmas letter from last year.  Click here

Would you like a consultation with johntheplantman in your yard? Contact John Schulz BY EMAIL

As usual, I would just love for you click here to go to Amazon and purchase the ebook edition of my wonderful book, Requiem for a Redneck to go on your Kindle. I have also noticed that Amazon now has a free Kindle app for iphones and tablets. Is that cool or what?

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